The shame of Alvin, Texas

Here's the wind-up ... and the pitch.

The statue of Nolan Ryan, in front of Alvin City Hall,
catches the famous baseball pitcher in mid-delivery, about to fire one
of his famous fastballs, a fastball that was just about as fast as any
baseball pitcher has ever thrown.

Look closer, into his eyes.

Is that a look of steely determination, or is it a look of terrorized, confused
distress that says, "Look what they've done to me, Ma. Look what
they've done."

Owing to the generous smearing of bird dookie atop his bronze cap and
jersey, the latter interpretation of the Hall of Fame pitcher's visage seems
more likely than the former.

Yes, Nolan Ryan moved away from Alvin a few years ago.

But he's still Nolan Ryan of Alvin.

He always will be.

In TV commercials, he's the young Nolan Ryan wearing the Alvin All
Stars jersey.

At Alvin Community College, he's the reason there's a treasure trove
of Nolan Ryan memorabilia at the Nolan Ryan Exhibit Center.

At Joe's Barbecue, the best restaurant in town, he's the guy in the
autographed, poster-size pictures that are on the walls of the back
dining room.

And in front of City Hall, he's the guy memorialized by a
statue that is splattered with bird excrement that appears to have been
there a long, long time.

Now, think about that.

City Hall. The center of government, where people come to work
Monday through Friday, where citizens go to conduct business, where the people's
elected representatives meet regularly to attend to the important
issues of the day.

And they all walk by that statue.

Hasn't anyone noticed what a disgrace they have right in front of
their hall of government? Does anyone care?

Will a Cub Scout pack have to "adopt" the statue to right this
wrong? Will the Kiwanis, the Rotarians, the Alvin Senior Citizens Sewing
Circle have to step into the breach?

Who will grab a bucket and mop and pinch hit for the ineffectual powers-that-be?

But wait.

Is there a stirring in the home team's bullpen? Is that the mayor,
the City Council, the city manager warming up? Might one of them see
fit to assign a city employee the task of taking a little time each
month to properly represent Alvin's most famous favorite son?

Or, will they let the home team down?

Blame it on the birds, will they? Mother Nature?

Birds, probably grackles, are the problem? Roosting in the oak
tree, are they?

Quitters never win, and winners never quit.

KILL THE BIRDS!

There's no "i" in team.

CHOP DOWN THE TREE!

Suck it up. Do something.

MOVE THE STATUE!

Just do something, anything, to
make it right.

Nolan and baseball and Alvin deserve better.

Alvin cleans up Nolan Ryan statue

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, especially if Bill Crider is holding the grease gun.

Crider, the Alvin-based blogger/novelist/retired college prof., reports that following his chat with a secretary at Alvin City Hall, he and his lovely wife saw city workers cleaning up the bird-dookie-covered Nolan Ryan statue.

Bill took action after reading our special investigative report on the sad state of the statue.

Now, it's up to the citizenry of Alvin to keep a watchful eye on the statue to ensure it doesn't become an embarrassing eyesore again.

Good work, Bill.


[Bill Crider's Blog]

Nolan pitchin' beef to Nipponese

An alert Brazosport News reader informed us over the weekend that the most famous son of Brazoria County, Texas, is the centerpiece of an ad campaign in Japan to get those people to start eating American cows again.

Nolan Ryan hasn't lived in Alvin for awhile now, but they still claim him, keeping a bird poop-splattered statue of the baseball pitcher out in front of City Hall that we once campaigned to get cleaned up (and which did get cleaned up thanks to Bill Crider, the Bard of Alvin.)

Anyhow, Nolan still draws a lotta water in Brazoria County, where a portion of TX Hwy 288 was named the Nolan Ryan Expressway (though no one ever calls it that in everyday conversation), and he does in Japan, too, cause they love baseball.

Trouble is, mad cow disease caused the Japanese government to ban US beef imports for a time, and when the ban was lifted, the customers never really came back, reports The Wall Street Journal.

So, who ya gonna call?

...to revive the Japanese appetite for U.S. beef, the association figured it also had to connect directly with customers. Mr. Ryan, who now raises cattle in Texas and is well-known in baseball-crazed Japan, seemed like the perfect spokesman. So the federation developed its elaborate "Beef makes you strong!" ("Beef de genki!") campaign starring Mr. Ryan and featuring more than 2,000 different beef-related promotions over a three-month period.

Developed in-house, the campaign includes advertisements in magazines and newspapers that give Mr. Ryan's and other famous athletes' favorite red-meat recipes. A sweepstakes at more than 40 retailers gives customers who buy American beef the chance to enter to win prizes such as autographed baseballs and barbecue pits. Photos of Mr. Ryan at his ranch in Texas hang in the beef aisles at major grocery stores, including Seiyu Ltd., the Japanese subsidiary of Wal-Mart Stores Inc. and Japan's third-largest grocery store chain by sales.

The promotion also included focus groups at which Mr. Ryan told customers how the beef ban had affected his family ranch, which produces about 1,900 calves a year and has seen prices fall due to a decrease in demand. Mr. Ryan, known for his record-breaking fastball, retired from Major League Baseball in 1993 and is now president of the American Breeds Coalition, an organization that promotes U.S. cattle.

Does anyone ever see Nolan around Alvin any more? Do tell.

Saving Nolan Ryan

Bill Crider, the novelist/blogger/retired college prof. in Alvin, reports he that he went to City Hall regarding our investigation into the sorry state of the bird-dookie-splattered Nolan Ryan statue. Writes Bill:

"I talked to a secretary at the City Hall and told them that a powerful blogger was posting photos of the Ryan statue and that it appeared that nobody was taking care of it. She said she'd call the Parks Department and get them on the job.

We'll see what happens next.

Bill"

This could be the crowning achievement of my blogging career.

Who is Bill Crider?

I've been calling him "The Bard of Alvin" for a year or two now, given his prodigious output of fiction, and he heeded our call sometime back to clean up the Nolan Ryan statue in front of Alvin City Hall, which he accomplished with a single phone call.

You perhaps did not know that he actually co-authored a few books with weatherman Willard Scott. We heard or read this awhile back and didn't realize they were talking about THE Willard Scott.

I check in on his blog several times a week, which alerted me today that he conducted this interview with Steven Torres.

After you read it, you will realize that when People Magazine does an issue on the "50 Most Fascinating People of Brazoria County, Texas," The Bard of Alvin will surely make the Top 10, maybe even the Top 5.

The Bard of Alvin gets name in paper

A belated tip o' the hard hat to Bill Crider for getting nominated for an Edgar Allan Poe award.

As regular readers here know, Bill does a blog and single-handedly got the bird poop cleaned off the Nolan Ryan statue in front of Alvin City Hall after a series of exclusive blog posts about the shocking problem that appeared in the B'port News.

I really think someone in Alvin oughta give Bill a plaque or something, if they haven't already.

Week 2

 
We were utterly surprised when the publicity didn't result in immediate action by the dead animal control division of our usually efficient city government.

After all, we called for the Astrodome to be opened for Katrina victims in Louisiana and what happened within 6 hours? Welcome, Louisiana!

Before that, we reported exclusively that the Nolan Ryan statue in front of Alvin City Hall was covered in bird dookie. What happened? It got cleaned up.

So, putting a picture of a rotting possum in The Brazosport News undoubtedly would result in swift action we figured.

Nope.

mailbag

More reader reaction from our Nolan Ryan statue investigation:

Re: Ole Nole, the Alvin speedballer,

Dylan once wrote of Jim "Catfish" Hunter:

Catfish on the mound.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.
Got to eat what Catfish serve.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.
Catfish, million-dollar-man,
Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can.

When you ponder his missive, it becomes apparent this
is a much more fitting tribute than a statute in that
it cannot be defecated upon -- unless at some point
it's covered any member of Houston's own Destiny's
Child as they embark upon a solo career. A prospect I
find highly unlikely.

H. Brute
Sharpstown TX

Thanks for writing Mr. Brute.

SPECIAL REPORT: Alvin strikes out

Since our first investigation into neglect of the Nolan Ryan statue that stands in front of City Hall in Alvin, we are sorry to report there is further deterioration from obvious neglect by whoever's in charge of the Brazoria County town. Is this pathetic care of what should be a civic shrine sending the correct message to our children, not to mention baseball fans around the world?

Sad.
[B'port News, April 7, 2005, first investigative report on Nolan Ryan statue]

Birdland

Red-bellied woodpecker
-----------------------------------------
I saw a red-bellied woodpecker the other day. He stopped briefly in the tree we planted in the backyard to block the view of our backyard neighbor's parked RV. Then, he was off to a more promising tree. He may or may not be one of the 17 red-bellied woodpeckers counted here on April 11 during The Great Backyard Bird Count.

It has been noted in Dallas that Lake Jackson has a lot more grackles than Big D -- 6,151 in LJ compared with 1,043 in J.R. Ewing's hometown. This is patently ridiculous, given the disparity in size. The bird counters in Dallas obviously are just tabulating the pretty birds and skipping the monochromatic ones to enhance their town's image, something right outta J.R. Ewing's playbook. And in Houston, only 484 grackles? Puh-leeeze.

Here in LJ, we count 'em all, choosing not to discriminate against any of God's creatures whether they're known for defecating in the most unfortunate of places or simply beautifying our dreary, humdrum lives.

Moreover, check out the number of grackles in Alvin -- 392! If that's true, they're all living above the Nolan Ryan statue in front of City Hall.

Common grackle
---------------------------------------
[FrontBurner]

More kudos for Alvin CC rock station; DMN says there will be no keystroke counting

KACC-FM, the rock radio station operated by students at Alvin Community College, continues to get rave notices, both by listeners in Bloggerville and by professional broadcasters. Today, on Sportsradio610's afternoon show, co-hosts Rich Lord and Marc Vandermeer said the Alvin station rocks their sports-obsessed world, after they received a call from a fella who's matriculatin' at ACC. Vandermeer said professional broadcasters could learn a few things from the kids at 89.7 on the FM dial. Rock on w/ ya bad selves, Alvin. And while you're at it, get someone to clean up the Nolan Ryan statue in front of City Hall!

Up in Dallas, the publisher of the Dallas Morning News shot down a report on D Magazine's blog that management will be counting keystrokes of its employees to gauge their productivity. So far as we know, Houston Chronicle MC/Editor Jeff Cohen is NOT backing down from his decision to take away his underlings' free rodeo & drink tickets after one of his reporters wrote a story about the half-century-old practice.
[frontburner]

Maybe they'll erect a statue of Austin Miller on which the dirty birds of Alvin can defecate

Ever since Nolan Ryan moved away, the City of Alvin, TX, hasn't had much to hang its gimme cap on.

They still claim Nolan, but it's all BS. He's done gone to the bright lights of Round Rock.

But there is hope yet. A finalist on the "reality" TV show, "Grease: You're the One That I Want," in which young performers audition for a chance to perform on a Broadway revival of the cornball musical, IS FROM ALVIN.

[But he hasn't lived there since '94 :( .....]

mailbag

Alvin novelist/blogger Bill Crider wrote about our Nolan Ryan post yesterday:

Those pictures of the Nolan statue are a sorry sight indeed. I guess I'll drop by the City Hall and see if anybody knows what's up.

Thanks, Bill.
++++++++++++++

Meanwhile, Tom Tyler, a regular commenter on this site before I pulled the plug on the comments section, had this to say about the TV report on the crime suspect:

"The suspect in the robbery of a Houston McDonald's and a subsequent abduction and rape "walks with a waddle," a local TV report says..."


Yeah, and so do half the fat people in Houston! :^D :^D :^D

I'm amazed at just how helpful most of those TV news descriptions are!

But my favorite has always been:

" The suspects were black males wearing t-shirts, blue jeans and sneakers ..."

Add "white" and "hispanic" males and you've covered %95 of the men in Harris and 18 surrounding counties!

Tom, I've read a lot of crime stories in my day, and written quite a few myself during my newspapering days, and I've never run across a suspect description that entailed a waddle.
++++++++++++++++
Finally, Miriam, a reader in Houston, wrote about our mention of the band Son Volt, who've been rescheduled to appear on Letterman Friday:

i would meet you anywhere
the western sun meets the air
we'll hit the road, never looking behind
- Son Volt, Trace, Tear Stained Eye
(they're my people, I saw them up in Austin once in '91, introduced myself to Jay and Jeff right. then Uncle Tupelo imploded)
-- little weasel

P.S. why did you halt the comments? barbarians invade?

Miriam, Yes, barbarians wrote some things in the comment section that were way out of line, so I issued a cease and desist directive to my Webmaster (me). It is indeed unfortunate. I'll try posting reader correspondence like this for the time being and may reconsider my decision at some point in the future.

Thanks for writing, ya'll. (Email: Banjo.Jones@gmail.com)

An open-and-shut case in Alvin, TX

Crime never sleeps, not even in Alvin, where there's a statue of Nolan Ryan, who left town several years ago.

As Bill Crider, a novelist known to some as The Bard of Alvin, explains it:

A guy I know lost his wallet in Kroger yesterday. Dropped it while looking for a coupon or something. When it came time to pay -- no wallet. He called his credit card company immediately to cancel his card. The helpful person on the line said, "Did you charge gas at Wal-Mart about five minutes ago?" He hadn't, of course, so he called the station there. The cashier said there was no way she could identify the purchaser, who'd paid at the pump.

End of story? Not quite. About fifteen minutes later, the cashier called the guy and said, "He's back. He just filled up another car with gas."

How'd she know the guy was back? Because he came to the window to tell ask her for help because the pump wouldn't accept his credit cart. The cashier told him to go back to the pump, and she'd see what she could do. He left, and she called the cops, who swooped down and caught him, still waiting at the pump.

The guy I know lost about 60 bucks and has to get a new credit card, but it could've been worse.

We do not know yet if Chief Merkel has called a press conference. Stay tuned.

blogrolling notes

Bill Crider notes that independent gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman has made the New Yorker, and he provides a handy link. Bill also notes there's another statue of Nolan Ryan in Alvin that's evidently taken care of better than the one in front of Alvin City Hall.



Tom Kirkendall notes that Rober Ebert has come out with his "most hated" movie list but doesn't agree that "The Usual Suspects" should be on it. As for me, I can't understand why "Coneheads" didn't make the list. Also, I'd like to place on the record that I made the mistake of paying about 17 bucks for "The Life Aquatic" DVD a few weeks ago and just got around to watching it. It blows.




Slampo re-addresses a Chronicle's sportswriter's complaint about the mispronunciation of the names of Hispanic players and takes notes of an interesting politically correct correction in the NY Times. Love that Slampo.


Michael Yon files another dispatch from Mosul. This guy's a heck of a reporter/blogger if you ask me. If I was running a big city newspaper, I think I'd see if I had anyone on staff willing to do this kind of reporting/blogging. It's a pretty big story, but I could be wrong.