Political Confusion

The Republican and Democratic presidential tickets are now set, save for the formal nominations of their respective conventions.

Nevertheless, I can say unequivocally that the average voter, a demographic in which I include myself, remains hopelessly confused, no matter how much the pundits and pollsters keep trying to explain things on the TV.

The chief source of confusion for me is the constant chatter about the schwing voters. These, apparently, are undecided voters who don't know who they will support. There is a name for the states in which these voters live -- schwing states. The presidential election, and quite possibly the future future of this republic, rests on the presidential vote in these states.

Truth be told, I am the first to admit that I am not all that politically inclined, but I DO have a college degree, and I am smart enough to know that all this talk about schwing voters is a candard. Or, like the beer commercial says, a travesty, a sham and a mockery, ie., a taveshamockery (ha-ha).

Seriously, any nitwit knows these so-called schwing voters obviously will vote for the Democratic ticket (U.S. Sens. John Kerry & John Edwards) for the simple reason the Democratic party embraces all the values these people hold dear.

Let's examine what issues schwingers embrace. They're for all manner of personal freedom, hence their name, schwingers. That, first and foremost, comes down to sex. Sex outside marriage, for sure. Wife swapping, definitely (if the wives'll go for it) Sex on every cable TV channel (cause it's pay TV).
Much, much lesbian sex, especially on cable, and, needless to say, one-gender marriage, not to mention, legalized drugs and lowered drinking ages, which further fuels the nonstop party. They're all for the "let it all hang out" philosphy, these schwingers.

Let's be honest and dispense with the bullcrap of the analysts. If you're a schwing voter, are you going to cast your vote for President George W. Bush (who quit drinking and only has been married once) and Vice President Dick Cheney (also still married to his first and only wife) or are you going to vote for Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry (divorced, now on wife # 2, who's smoked marijuana and rides a bicycle for "recreation") and his newly announced running mate, North Carolina Sen. John Edwards (a lawyer -- 'nuff said!)?

But here we have all this endless talk perpetuated by the mountebanks on TV who talk endlessly about the drama among the undecided "schwing voters" in the crucial "schwing states." THEY'VE ALREADY MADE UP THEIR MINDS, PEOPLE, FOR THE ABOVE STATED REASONS.

But, hell, I guess they have to talk about something.