HAIR POLITICS

Adlai Stevenson, two-time loser.

Give 'Em A Head With Hair?

U.S. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., has thrown down the gauntlet, saying Wednesday he and running mate John Edwards, D-N.C., have "better hair" than President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

The Republicans, stunned, have yet to fire back. They're working on a response. The world awaits.

Kerry twice invoked the Democrats' hair advantage.

First, he said, "It's a thrill for me to have another guy with hair on the road."

Later, saying he and Edwards constitute a "dream ticket," he declared the Democrats have "better vision, better ideas ... We've got better hair." The crowd cheered enthusiastically.

This is all bad news for the Republicans. For the last 44 years, it can be argued the candidate with the better hair has won the presidency:

1960: John F. Kennedy, who had a striking head of sandy brown hair, nips Dick Nixon, who used the greasy kid stuff on his slicked-back 'do.

1964: Lyndon B. Johnson defeats Barry Goldwater. No discernable hair-edge here, as both men were balding, so the hair issue was a draw. But what if the Republicans had nominated a hairier candidate? Revisionist historians have wondered might the course of history been changed?

1968: Nixon beats Hubert H. Humphrey. Nixon had hair, albeit greasy; Humphrey, though a "happy warrior," was balding rapidly, plus, the Minnesota accent hurt.

1972: Nixon buries George McGovern, whose supporters include millions of young people with unruly heads of hair that, in retrospect, look ridiculous, and which frighten the crap out of Middle America. Nixon wins the hair issue by virtue of his more conventionally hirsute followers. (Nixon, by the way, installed a bowling alley in the White House during his first term, thereby securing the coveted "bowling vote.")

1976: Jimmy Carter, with fashionable shaggy-ish hair that induced music legends like Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson to pay visits, defeats Gerald Ford, who can rely only on approximately 30 or so hairs to cover the middle third of his skull.

1980: Ronald Reagan, blessed by God with the healthiest head of hair since Kennedy, stomps Carter, whose hair is thinning and limp after four years of stagflation.

1984: Reagan is re-elected over Walter Mondale, whose hair isn't awful but clearly no match for The Gipper, whose hair at times takes on an oddly fascinating orange-ish hue.

1988: George H.W. Bush defeats Michael Dukakis. Both candidates have decent heads of hair, but Dukakis stubbornly refuses to abandon his parted-on-the-side style, which reminds voters of bad men's hair styles in the early '70s, when American males were caught between the urge to "go natural" and the Oedipal instinct to stick with the traditional, 1950s-based "regular boy's haircut" their mother ordered for them.

1992: Bill Clinton defeats Bush. Clinton has a lot more hair than Bush. It's full and fluffy. Bush, realizing his hair can't compete, plays rope-a-dope in the Rose Garden, unsuccessfully.

1996: Clinton, whose hair is rapidly graying but still fluffy, defeats Bob Dole, whose age-associated problems are later revealed to extend to areas more important than head hair. It's really no contest.

2000: George W. Bush defeats Al Gore. Gore has a noticeable bald spot that can been seen on every rear view cutaway shot shown by the ever-present cable TV cameras, which transmit live pictures everywhere all the time whenever he emerges in public. Bush has a handsome head of wavy hair, nothing flashy, but obviously well nourished by healthy blood circulation that is promoted by his strict workout schedule and photo-op brush-clearing sessions at the Crawford ranch.

2004: Bush's hair has gone pretty gray, thanks to the CIA, and he has a bald vice president who may keel over at any minute with a heart attack. Kerry, though known as "Treebeard" by some because of his angular looks, has a full head of gray hair that is sculpted nicely to fit his visage, while running-mate Edwards was known during his failed bid for the presidency as the "Breck girl" because of his baby-fine hair that perfectly frames his youthful face. The Democrats feel secure in knowing their candidates look better than the Republican candidates.

Advantage, Democrats.

You can go back further if you wish.

Two-term president Dwight Eisenhower was bald, but so was Adlai Stevenson. But Eisenhower, a certified war hero, had an avuncular air that softened his bald-related negatives while Stevenson's severe demeanor, coupled with his reverse Mohawk, reminded voters of their junior high vice principal. Eisenhower handily won the '52 & '56 elections.

Need I go further?

Cheney
Edwards