Thus Spake Geraldo

The whack Fox newsman reminds us of that old adage that it's not paranoia if they're really after ya."

Grammy's BC Pills

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life,
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has
a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these
are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith,
I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you
sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it
helps me sleep at night!"

Bagdaddy Bob Gear

New and Improved

He supposedly hanged himself, but he made his mark in the field of public relations. Pity. Think of what he might have been able to accomplish on the lecture circuit. Still, he put a new face (and beret) and the possibilities of being a flak.
He even made the front page of The Bulletin.
Get your spoils of war souvenirs right here, if you want something to help you explain to your grandchildren who Baghdad Bob was.
And don't forget your Saddam-in-drag action figure!

Despair, Inc.

No matter who you are, you have the potential to be so much less.

Martial Bliss

Tip Number 82

Vladimir R., 73, of Mannheim, Germany, used an air-raid siren to quiet his wife, so police confiscated the siren. "My wife never lets me get a word in edgeways," Vladimir said. "So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time. Afterward, it's real quiet again." A police spokesman said neighbors had complained at the noise from the rooftop device. Rosina, Vladimir's wife of 32 years, said she sometimes had to yell to get his attention.

Celebrity Trivia

Filled up to here with war news?
Search for Saddam sapping your precious bodily fluids?
Lie awake nights contemplating nuclear Armegaddon?
FUHGETABBOUTIT

Baghdad Bob Cult Grows

What, me worry?

Powell's Reply

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying that, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

It became very quiet in the room.

Every Picture Tells a Story?

Fall of Saddam Statue gives one pause, but, what the hell, USA! USA! USA!

The Miracle of ...

(Editor's note: a reader sent this to us and swears it's true.)

> > >If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome including
> > >toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
> > >you laughing out LOUD!!!
> > >
> > >Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > >happened:
> > >
> > >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > >"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in
> > >his room.
> > >
> > >"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad.
> > >Can you help?"
> > >
> > >I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into
> > >his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
> > >looking
> > >
> > >stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
> > >look at the hamster!"
> > >
> > >"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > >babies."
> > >
> > >"What?" my son demanded,"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> > >
> > >I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we
> > >didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.
> > >
> > >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she
> > >inquired.
> > >(I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
> > >
> > >"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my
> > >most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> > >
> > >"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> > >
> > >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
> > >informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
> > >
> > >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> > >I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
> > >be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
> > >miracle of birth."
> > >
> > >"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> > >
> > >"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter
> > >of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
> > >do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> > >
> > >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> > >tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
> > >don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > >
> > >"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> > >
> > >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> > >
> > >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> > >next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
> > >several more times with the same results.
> > >
> > >"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they
> > >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> > >females in my house?)
> > >
> > >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
> > >with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > >
> > >"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> > >
> > >"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
> > >can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is
> > >one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> > >
> > >The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > >little animal through a magnifying glass.
> > >
> > >"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> > >My son appeared impressed by my observation.
> > >
> > >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> > >speak to you privately for a moment?"
> > >
> > >I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> > >
> > >"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> > >
> > >"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
> > >In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
> > >
> > >"What!?"
> > >
> > >"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > >maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate,
> > >just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
> > >wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> > >
> > >We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?"
> > >my wife offered.
> > >
> > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
> > >silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> > >And then even laugh loudly.
> > >
> > >What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
> > >woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> > >manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's
> > >just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
> > >little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> > >
> > >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
> > >bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
> > >everything was going to be okay.
> > >
> > >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
> > >me.
> > >
> > >"Oh,you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into
> > >laughter.
> > >
> > >Enough said!

Baghdad Bob

He will be missed.

Supermarket Interlude

A man walked into a Supermarket with his zipper down. A Lady cashier walked
up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went away looking a bit puzzled
When he was about done shopping, a man came up to him and says, "Your fly
is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that
told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun
with her. When he reached her counter he said. "when you saw my barracks
door open, did you see a soldier in there at attention?"

The Lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No,
I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

We Win

Translation.

TO BE 6 AGAIN

> >
> > A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
> >
> > "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
> >
> > On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
> > off they went to a local theme park.
> >
> > What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
> > the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything
> > there was!
> >
> > Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
> > reeling and her stomach upside down.
> >
> > Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a
> > Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
> >
> > Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
> > popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.
> >
> > What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
> > husband
> > and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well,
> > dear, what was it like being six again?"
> >
> > One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
> >
> > The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's
> > still gonna get it wrong.

The Tyrant