The Miracle of ...

(Editor's note: a reader sent this to us and swears it's true.)

> > >If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome including
> > >toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
> > >you laughing out LOUD!!!
> > >
> > >Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > >happened:
> > >
> > >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > >"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in
> > >his room.
> > >
> > >"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad.
> > >Can you help?"
> > >
> > >I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into
> > >his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
> > >looking
> > >
> > >stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
> > >look at the hamster!"
> > >
> > >"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > >babies."
> > >
> > >"What?" my son demanded,"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> > >
> > >I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we
> > >didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.
> > >
> > >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she
> > >inquired.
> > >(I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
> > >
> > >"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my
> > >most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> > >
> > >"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> > >
> > >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
> > >informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
> > >
> > >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> > >I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
> > >be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
> > >miracle of birth."
> > >
> > >"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> > >
> > >"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter
> > >of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
> > >do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> > >
> > >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> > >tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
> > >don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > >
> > >"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> > >
> > >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> > >
> > >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> > >next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
> > >several more times with the same results.
> > >
> > >"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they
> > >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> > >females in my house?)
> > >
> > >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
> > >with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > >
> > >"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> > >
> > >"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
> > >can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is
> > >one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> > >
> > >The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > >little animal through a magnifying glass.
> > >
> > >"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> > >My son appeared impressed by my observation.
> > >
> > >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> > >speak to you privately for a moment?"
> > >
> > >I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> > >
> > >"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> > >
> > >"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
> > >In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
> > >
> > >"What!?"
> > >
> > >"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > >maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate,
> > >just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
> > >wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> > >
> > >We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?"
> > >my wife offered.
> > >
> > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
> > >silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> > >And then even laugh loudly.
> > >
> > >What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
> > >woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> > >manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's
> > >just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
> > >little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> > >
> > >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
> > >bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
> > >everything was going to be okay.
> > >
> > >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
> > >me.
> > >
> > >"Oh,you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into
> > >laughter.
> > >
> > >Enough said!