Paris Hilton's Letter from a Los Angeles Jail

Editor's Note: (The Rev. Martin Luther King's "Letter From Birmingham Jail" is now a staple of public school education. Whether this document, allegedly penned by Paris Hilton during her recent incarceration, reaches similar status will only be known in the fullness of time.

My Dear Fellow Celebutantes,

While confined here in the all-women's facility in Lynwood near Los Angeles the past, like, week or so, whatever!, I came across criticism calling my recent activities "unwise and untimely." I rarely pay attention to such criticism, and I almost never respond to it cause if I did I would have to hire a third publicist. Do you know what I'm saying? There would be no time left for my work and partying activities. But because I'm told the recent criticism comes from people of good will, I want to provide some answers in what I hope will be patient and reasonable language, as I contemplate my upcoming appearance on Larry King Live ...

...I am in the all-women's facility in Lynwood because injustice is here, along with a lot of really creepy bugs that are crawling around. Gross! Just like Paulie Shore said after the MTV Music Awards a few weeks ago, "You have to live your life, bab-eee!" And I was like, "Yeah! If I was like a regular person, I would not be here. But I'm a celebutante. It's not fair. I hate this!"

Editor's Note II: I put a stop to this blog post because it was starting to suck real bad and could only get worse. We apologize for wastin your valuable time. That is all.