The rise and fall of the Republican Party (abridged version)

Republicans back as the underparty? After Nov. 7?

They've so much more practice at it. Four decades.

BEFORE the Contract With America.

Then came 1994. You were younger then.

Republicans: closer to God, check.

Fiscally responsible, check.

Patriotic, check.

Plainspoken, check.

Top grossing movie then: "Forrest Gump."

Government waste -- out. Bootstraps -- in.

Welfare -- out. Points of light -- in.

Rock -- out. County western -- in.

Satan -- out. Prayer -- in.

"Rush Rooms" tuned to radio. SUVs metastisizing. Fox in the henhouse TV.

Bumps? Yes. Newt, resigned. Affair with a congressional aide. (Hetero, thank God.)

Armey retired. Get DeLay.

GOP Revolution, Part Deux ...

Governor of Texas, presidential material. On message, jeans, chainsaw, good stock, doesn't fool around around on wife. A librarian.

Tutorable. Bring Rove along.

Nation-building -- out. Coat and ties -- in.

Oval Office hijinks -- out. Afternoon workouts, nine o'clock bedtimes -- in.

Remember The Gipper. Love The Gipper. Respect The Gipper.

Rather -- out. O'Reilly -- in.

9-11.

Al Haig? Paging Al Haig...

Commence spending. Revamp security. Check carry-ons. Ring National Guard. Hire Arabic linguists. Review library cards.

Commence nation building. Read Teddy Roosevelt bio. Increase stairmaster time. Bridges to nowhere (Mesopotamia. Alaska. The Moon?)

Nation building, 3 years counting ... Reagan gone ... Stay the course ... Debt Clock ticking ... stay the course ... self-hating closeted gay Republican congressman on TV ... what about Barney Frank? Anyone? Hellooo?

The contract? The Contract With America!

People!! Remember? WE HAD A CONTRACT!!

Top grossing movie before the last gasp: "Jackass Number 2"