The Oscars

I don't go to the movies anymore. Not after hearing my brother in-law's stories about working in a theater as an usher. When the lights went up and he had to wade into the seating area to clean up, he said mice and rats went scurrying everywhere. What attracted them? All the filth, the spilled food, soft drink sticky floors. Even the seats were wet from children peeing on them! So when you walk into a theater and think it smells funny, it's not your nose playing tricks on you. So I just watch movies on DirectTV. Don't care if I see them a year later than the rest of you. I won't get attacked by rats and die of the plague.

With that out of the way, here are my Oscar telecast awards:

Worst pre-show faux pas: Joan Rivers, TV Guide Channel, for telling Mrs. Samuel Jackson, "You've lost a lot of weight!" Should have seen the look on Mrs. Samuel Jackson, who was all, you fuckin' bitch, I can't believe you said that you fuckin' white bitch! While Mr. Samuel Jackson smiled and said, "This is just the beginning," meaning, "She's gotta lose 30 more or I'm outta here," while Mrs. Samuel Jackson was thinking, "The beginning? This is the end, suckah. I've been on the red carpet diet now for six weeks. Next stop, House of Pies."

Worst pre-show: Starr Jones, E! Channel. She's horrible. Can't ask a relevant question. Completely unwatchable. It's all about her. She's all, "Do you remember when I saw you...? We're wearing the same ... There's my best girl!"

Best word used in a thank-you speech: Jan A.P. Kaczmarek, the British lady who won the Oscar for makeup, said something about "bollocks" on a dog. Prolly made Oscar history.

Brevity speech award: Best supporting actor winner Morgan Freeman, less than 25 words. Yes!

Best decolletage, presenter category: Salma Hayak. Ed Norton, Fool!

Worst dress, presenter category: Natalie Portman, wearing what resembled a refashioned terry cloth bath robe.

Foxiest fox presenter: Halle Berry.

Coolest presenter award: Al Pacino.

Most uncomfortable looking dress: Renee Zellwegger. Could barely walk!

Best NFL-related joke: Host Chris Rock, saying Zellwegger gained 35 lbs to play Bridget Jones and will next gain 80 lbs to play Deacon Jones.

Worst hair-do, male presenter: Jake Gyllenhall. He shaved his head. If he didn't do it for a movie role, he's getting some serious bad advice.


Bad sport award: Sean Penn, for taking host Chris Rock's opening monologue jibes aimed at Jude Law way too seriously by responding to them while presenting the best actress award.

Luckiest sumbitch award: Chad Lowe.

Best backless dress award: Hillary Swank

Best acceptance speech: Jamie Foxx. Instead of acknowledging agents, etc., he paid tribute to his late grandma, his first acting coach, who told him to stand up straight, put his shoulders back and act like he's been somewhere. When he acted the fool, she whupped his ass so good she deserved an Oscar herself, he said. Hope that makes the Terrell (TX) Tribune, his hometown paper, tomorrow, if they haven't busted deadline.

Best parental presence award: Clint Eastwood, for having his 96-year-old mom present when he won best director and best picture.

Enough is enough award: Julia Roberts, for saying, "Happy birthday, Maura" before presenting an award. Enough with the self-indulgent crap that no one knows you're talking about, Julia and all you other celebs, who send out these personal shout-outs on broadcasts seen around the globe. We really don't care.