Kill The Hill?

Minute Maid Park, home of the Houston Astros, features a hill in center field, which has made for some interesting plays when an outfielder is hauling ass to catch a ball hit over his head.

With his eyes fixed on the speeding orb, the outfielder suddenly feels his churning legs being driven into his solar plexus, his shin bones being driven into his kneecaps. Then he senses the panic of losing all control of his body, followed by a falling sensation, and then the unmistakable smell and texture of freshly mown grass, in which his face is firmly planted.

Welcome to center field at Minute Maid Park, rookie.

The thing is, even the Astros own players, who see and play on The Hill 81 games a season, appear no more adept at compensating for The Hill's challenges than visiting outfielders who play on it for a handful of games.

No matter how long one has played there, a sort of outfield amnesia sometimes takes over a player's mind as he's racing to catch a fly ball, and he forgets there's the no small matter of a hill with a 30-degree incline he has to traverse. If total amnesia hasn't taken over, a player has had enough previous knowledge of The Hill that his thoughts can't help but be distracted away from catching the ball because he's thinking about not falling down and looking like a clown, which, of course, frequently means he won't catch the ball and still look like a clown.

Some fans love The Hill (whose official name is "Tal's Hill" in honor of Astros President Tal Smith, who had The Hill installed at then-Enron Field; the flagpole is not named Tal's Flagpole.)

Supporter's of Tal's Hill think it's quaint. And they like the flagpole that sits inside the outfield wall in centerfield, too, because it adds an extra oddity that, when coupled with Tal's Hill, makes Houston's baseball park unique.

Others just think it's stupid to have a hill in the outfield, likening it to a miniature golf course. Why not put a windmill out there for the center fielder to manuever around? These kinds of people are behind a Web Site called Kill The Hill, which is mounting a petition drive to have The Hill removed. You may leave your comments on the issue if you visit the site. (Oh, and by the way, the petition will have No effect whatsoever on Astros management, but it's something to kill some time with.)

I like Tal's Hill because I enjoy the sense of impending danger whenever a screaming line drive is hit over the center fielder's head. It's like, Uh-oh, watch it now, watch it, The Hill, he better get ready for The Hill, doesn't he know it's there?, ohmygod, this could be a career threatening knee injury! It's like waiting for a wreck at a NASCAR race. For the same reason, the inside-the-park flagpole is OK in my book. To my knowledge, an outfielder has never run smack dab into the flagpole, but it's bound to happen someday, and when that day comes, I know what will immediately come to mind -- the sound effects and visual image of a cartoon character, maybe Wile E. Coyote, being hit with a frying pan. You know how it goes -- Doinnnnggggg. Of course, the real life effect of running into a flagpole will be much more serious and likely will require a longer recuperation time than when a cartoon character is hit full-face with a frying pan. (In those instances, the cartoon character's face is transformed into the exact shape and size of a frying pan, but it pops back into its original shape in no time flat; conversely, there could be weeks worth of painful rehabilitation and possibly surgery for a player who runs full-speed into Minute Maid Park's flagpole, but what they hey, that's sports.)

A bigger problem with MMP, in my view, is the ridiculously short left field fence. Dozens of pop flies hit off the bats of left-handed hitters land in the seats for home runs, flies that would be routine outs in any other Major League Park. Where's the fun in that? I prefer the danger and unpredictabililty of a hill and a flagpole in the outfield to a Little League-size left field wall, but that's just my opinion.