Friday, December 23, 2005

Plant fines often reduced to "chump change"

Dow Chemical in LaPorte had an amazing record: no "fugitive emissions" in two whole years!

Uh, hold the phone, Martha.

When you lie, you have to make it a half-ass plausible lie. It's like when you get pulled over for drinkin' and driving'. "Have you had anything to drink tonight?"

You don't say "One beer, officer." You say, "Just a couple beers officer."

See, two beers in a plausible lie. One beer isn't. That's why everyone always says two beers. Of course, it doesn't work, but it's much more plausible that saying one beer.

Same with Dow. They should have reported some fugitive emissions. It would have been more plausible than no fugitive emissions.


Because all plants have some fugitive emissions. It's just the nature of the beast. All those valves and fittings. They leak. If you're gonna lie, you have know how to lie within the realm of possibility, not outside the realm of possibility. One beer? BULLCRAP!



Liberty said...

The mandatory fugitive emmisions program when first implimplimented was hated by industryy. They claimed it was just more burden and redtape that was inflicted on them. They started to warm up to it when they realized that the savings in lost matereals was far greater than the cost of the program. Dow is as much of a victim as much as a scofflaw said...

Man, don't ever use that "two beers" line!

My late friend Wild Bill, of the Lakota, once left our NASA-area condo to get more beer for the Superbowl game.

On the return from the corner store, he fell asleep while waiting in the left turn lane at Highway 3 at El Dorado, about 3 blocks from the condo.

The local constabulary eventually noticed this.

Soon they were banging on his truck window, asking if they might be of assistance.

"Have you had anything to drink, Wild Bill?" the local sheriff inquired.

"Well, yeah," Bill replied, " we were watching the Superbowl and I think I drank about a case. That's why I had to go to the store." he then proceeded to show them the two refill cases he had purchased at the store.

The officers assisted Wild Bill in parking his truck in the nearby corner market parking lot and gave him a ride back to the condo.

" We couldn't really arrest him," they told us, "technically he wasn't driving."

They released him into our custody on the promise that we would not allow him to drive anywhere again until Tuesday.

Anne said...

Oh good: you've provided some new material for Dina Cappiello. =)

ttyler5 said...

Oh, I don't know Anne, I know Banjo caught the hidden meaning of my story and Evil Dwight and Berger would see it, but I think the Chron newsprint edition is just too linear/vertical/horizontal for this sort of humour...

( Jokingly yours, :^D :^D :^D, and Merry Xmas to you, and to you also Banjo!)