Thursday, February 10, 2005

Shaune Bagwell's Life Story: I'm good at failure

Shaune Bagwell, in the news the past week after auctioning ad space on her chest, has launched a new personal Web site, apparently to coincide with the recent spate of media buzz.

Wisely, she includes a link to her "life story." It's not real heavy on facts. It's more of a mood piece. She (or her publicist) must have been having a bad day when pen was put to paper.

Failure is one of the few things in which I excel. It is possible that this is my own breed of madness, for this I am uncertain.

There's more sadness, searching, anomie. It's real hide-the-rope prose. Is it a cry for help? I really can't say, but I'm concerned.
"I don't claim to be gifted or talented, brilliant or funny...I dislike authority, and I almost never take anyone's advice. I have an open disdain for teachers and I despise classes....I thank God for my lack of fear of doing things badly...I love this absurd and wonderful business and all it's (sic) idiosyncrasies. I refuse to call it a craft, however, because for me it is not. For me, it's home. The only place I've ever truly belonged, perhaps because I have never belonged to anyone or anything else..."

Sorry, baseball fans, not a single word about Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell, her ex-husband, but if you read between the lines ("I have never belonged to anyone...") I think you can reasonably conclude that Jeff was the dumper and she was the dumpee.

But that's ancient history, and so far, Houston Chronicle sports columnist Richard Justice has resisted my challenge for him to get Baggy's reaction to his ex-wife's foray into body advertisements.

Nevertheless, after the successful ($15K for a month's word of chest advertising), it appears there may be more "contests" because there's a "contests" section on

However, the link says, "No contests are currently in progress," but media pundits strongly suggest that's code for "stay tuned."

Until the next contest, you'll have to settle for the FAQs section, which posts a 2002 interview Shaune did with "Ken Curtis." (I could have sworn he played Festus on Gunsmoke)

Here's a taste:

Since you've lived in LA, who is the most interesting person that you have met?

I would have to say director Robert Altman, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks, Sally Field, and the original "Quincy", Jack Klugman. I used to watch reruns of his show when I was a little girl. He gave me a lifelong love of science. I have my favorites though. I adore John Rzeznik, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls, and Sean Astin who stars in the Lord of the Rings. Sean is a very sweet person who has the most beautiful family. I'm dying to meet Barry Watson and Paul Walker, however, both of whom I would marry tomorrow. Too bad polygamy is illegal in California. If anyone knows either of them, tell them to e-mail me: (hysterical laughter) ...

Would you ever consider posing for Playboy?

It's funny that you ask that. They called me just recently, and I made an appointment to shoot the Playmate test. On the day of the shoot I canceled. I had just met Halle Berry's manager, Vincent Cirrincione, and he told me not to do nudity. He advised me to wait, then they have to pay the big bucks. Since he manages Halle, he must know what he's talking about. I was very conflicted about my decision, I sort of wanted to do it. There were things that I didn't like much about Playboy though. For one, they don't pay the girls anything. Secondly, what's up with those cheesy videos that they make the Playmates do?

So true. You don't want to do anything cheesy. What would people think? Something cheesy could totally, like, torpedo an acting career! Look at what it did to Marilyn Monroe. And Kim Bassinger. And those convenience store clerks when Playboy did the "Convenience Store Clerks of the Midwest" spread. Ruined! All of them!!

Speaking of acting, a clip from Shaune's appearance on the Feb. 10 episode of
Days of Our Lives is featured under "My Video Work."

Allow me to set the scene.

A guy with a British accent is shooting craps in a casino. Shaune is by his side. He rolls the dice.
"Whoa, you are hot tonight," says Shaune.
"The same could be said for you," replies the British accent guy, cocking an eyebrow.

Then another woman horns in. She apparently knows him. They chat. Shaune eavesdrops wide-eyed. It comes out that tonight was supposed to be British accent guy's wedding night! But he admits he's not getting married! Shaune leaves the craps table, discreetly. The other woman continues chatting, but she's with a guy carrying a briefcase, and he looks like he has to get to a bathroom, fast. He says they have to leave, so they do, exiting stage right.

Re-enter Shaune, stage left.

"By the way, my name's Meg," says she, flashing that unmistakeable apple-cheeked smile.
He introduces himself.
"I heard," she admits, conveying embarrassment through her facial expression.

"I'm really sorry you'll be all alone on what should be your wedding night," Shaune/Meg coos.
"Perhaps I won't be," British accent guy says, suavely and slyly, cocking the other eyebrow.

Fade out to montage of dice rolling, hugging and finally, a big smooch.

Set your TIVO, recheck those VCR programming instructions and consult your local listings. This could be the start of something BIG.

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