Sunday, January 02, 2005

My lone resolution: Jump in The Dead Pool

liza minelli: bound for glory?
Haven't made a New Year's resolution in years. This year is different. Decided to participate in The Dead Pool. It's a much easer resolution to follow than quitting smoking, losing weight, being a better person, etc., because now that I predicted which 15 well-known personages will die in '05, I'm done. Prizes will be awarded this time next year. The following are my selections, along with the (limited) thought process involved.

1. Suge Knight, rap impressario: His name was mentioned in the background of that stabbing at some televised award show. His name has been mentioned in Tupac's demise way back when. The guy gets mentioned a lot. A lot of people seem to dislike him. He quite possibly could meet a violent end.

2. John Goodman, actor: Everytime I see him on a talk show, he seems to be sweating and slightly out of breath. He lives in New Orleans. He's overweight and drinks a lot, from what I gather. I really like him in "The Big Lewbowski." I hope he doesn't conk out, but it wouldn't surprise me.

3. Gore Vidal, writer: During his last round of interviews in the states, he seemed to have aged. There may be a bit of tremor developing.

4. Warren Buffet, investor: If memory serves, his last few yearly letters to investors have mentioned the day he will retire. He's not buying any green banannas.

5. Leon Hale, Houston Chronicle columnist: He's just really really old, but keeps cranking out those columns like a copy machine. I no longer read him, but my late mother did, and she died two months ago.

6. Bob Lanier, former Houston mayor: He and wife Elyse have moved out of The Huntington high-rise to a spiffy new swankienda on Willowick in River Oaks, making me think he's setting up wifey for the day he kicks. Everytime he goes to Methodist Hospital via ambulance, the Houston TV stations cover it like a presidential assassination.

7. 50 Cent, rapper: Nobody knows de trouble he's seen. This cat is about to exhaust his 9 lives.

8. Hamid Karzai, Afghanistan grand poobah: Death via some type of large explosive device seems likely.

9. Liza Minelli, singer, husband beater: One day after I submitted her name, she was reported to have fallen out of bed twice and taken to the hospital, leading me think that I may have a gift for this Dead Pool business. Like William Holden, wouldn't surprise me if she drank a bottle of vodka and cracked her head open on the nearest coffee table.

10. Whitney Houston, singer: Drugs are tough enough to handle on one's own, but with a spouse who apparently has the same problem, her future doesn't look too rosy. And, as my late mother would say, she doesn't eat enough.

11. Don Hewitt, founding producer of "60 Minutes": How much longer can this guy keep giving interviews about the good ol' days when Harry Reasoner (dead) and Mike Wallace (nearing death) got (fill-in-the-blank) to stick their foot in their mouth? Nothing to live for now that he's hung it up.

12. Jack Valenti, mover/shaker/motion picture lobbyist: How much longer can he give interviews about the genius of LBJ? It's been going on 40 years now. I'm probably wrong about this, though. He looks healthy as a horse, for his age. Must have had, what, 3 or 4 lifts?

13. William F. Buckley, writer/editor: He retired from his magazine, suggesting he's getting his affairs in order.

14. Rupert Murdoch, media baron: Constant talk about which son might inherit the throne prompts this selection; plus, he has a very young Chinese wife who might be tempted to poison him.

15. Gary Coleman, actor: Will be mortally wounded trying to pop a cap in 50 Cent's ass. Actually, Coleman was a last-minute replacement for Lil' Bow Wow, but Dead Pool creator Laurence Simon noted that nominees must be 18 or older, and Lil' Bow Wow is but 17. And I had no premonition regarding Lil' Bow Wow's demise. I just like saying "Lil' Bow Wow" several times a day, but only silently, in my head.

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