Modest Proposal: Michael Moore's Next Movie

News item: For 30 days, a guy ate only at McDonalds. Then he checked his baseline health numbers. Weight, cholesterol, etc. They were allegedly very bad. Through the roof bad, allegedly.
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Enter: Michael Moore, Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker.
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Project Name: "Leaving San Bernardino." San Bernardino, Calif., was the location of a hamburger restaurant owned by two brothers, Dick and Mac McDonald, that inspired McDonald's founder Ray Kroc to start the global phenomenon known as McDonald's.
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Project Inspiration: "Leaving Las Vegas," a feature film starring Nicholas Cage, who portrayed a hopeless alcoholic who moved to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. He met an attractive prostitute who inexplicably invited him to live with her before he drank himself to death. Cage won the Best Actor Oscar for the role.
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Moore's Proposal:
"In "Roger and Me" I showed what General Motors did to the people and the rabbit population of Flint, Mich., in "Bowling for Columbine" I showed what Charlton Heston and the NRA did to the children of Columbine High School, and in "Fahrenheit 9/11" I showed what Bush and the neocons did to Iraq. In "Leaving San Bernardino," I will show what McDonald's is doing to the world."
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The Pitch Meeting:
Michael Eisner, chairman of Disney: "What's the message here, Michael?"
Michael Moore: "That McDonalds will kill you."
Eisner: "And I should care about that because?"
Moore: "Because people are dying!"
Eisner: "Because of McDonald's?"
Moore: "Fast food genocide, man."
Eisner: "And you want to eat yourself to death? In the movie?"
Moore: "It's the only way to send the message."
Eisner: "Are you insane?"
Moore: "No. I'm a liberal activist slash filmmaker."
Eisner: "How long will it take, exactly, for you to eat yourself to death?"
Moore: "The way I eat? Sixty to 90 days. Unless I have a heart attack or stroke out. Then, who knows?"
Eisner: "Would this be a PG or a PG 13?"
Moore: "To show my death by McDonald's, I'm thinking I'll need an R rating."
Eisner: "Not good for the box office."
Moore: "Nobody checks IDs anymore."
Eisner: "They do in the South."
Moore: "For God's sake, man, I'm sacrificing my life here. I need an R!"
Eisner: "Then we'll have to show someone's tits."
Moore: "Not a problem."
Eisner: "Not yours."
Moore: "They're pretty big. And they'll get bigger."
Eisner: "A woman's."
Moore: "Then I'll have to have a relationship in the movie."
Eisner: "Or something."
Moore: "I would want a woman of color."
Eisner: "Beyonce!"
Moore: "No! A real woman. Not an actress. This is a documentary, you moron!"
Eisner: "Selma Hayek?"
Moore: "She's an actress!"
Eisner: "I mean, a Selma Hayek type."
Moore: "She could be a migrant farmworker. A migrant farmworker who eats at McDonald's a lot."
Eisner: "Do they do that?"
Moore: "Jesus, I don't know Mike. Doesn't everybody eat at McDonald's?"
Eisner: "I wouldn't know. Sometimes, I guess."
Moore: "Well, I'm going to be eating there a lot."
Eisner: "Every meal, right?"
Moore: "Yes, every meal, 6, 7, maybe 8 meals a day."
Eisner: "That's a lot of Big Macs."
Moore: "There's other stuff besides Big Macs."
Eisner: "They have Happy Meals for adults now."
Moore: "Yeah, with prizes. Terrific. Jeeez."
Eisner: "My kids used to love Happy Meals."
Moore: "Are they still living?"
Eisner: "Yes."
Moore: "Mmm."
Eisner: "OK, so as you envision the film, with your death, you realize this would negate any multi-picture deal, right?"
Moore: "Because I'll be dead, yes, I know."
Eisner: "Maybe you could just go into a coma for a few days."
Moore: "And then miraculously recover?"
Eisner: "It's a happier ending."
Moore: "Happier, maybe. Not as powerful."
Eisner: "Power shmower."
Moore: "Coma, huh?"
Eisner: "A coma is pretty darn serious."
Moore: "So I hear."
Eisner: "Multi-picture deal, Michael. Cha-ching, cha-ching."
Moore: "A coma might work."
Eisner: "Think about it."
Moore: "I'll get back to you."
Eisner: "My people will call your people."
Moore: "Or my people will call your people."
Eisner: "We'll do lunch."