Thursday, May 13, 2004

Hogan, Klink, Schultz: Completely Freaked Out Over Developments at Abu Ghraib P.O.W. Lockup

HOGAN: "The Nazis were enemies, but there was a certain amount of respect there, even during the bad times. The Krauts were bored and basically just wanted to cover their asses and stay outta trouble with their superiors. Getting shipped to the Russian Front was their big fear. Running a POW camp was a light duty compared to bayonetting drunken Bolsheviks. There was none of the sexual crap back then, like we're hearing in Iraq, except for, well, when me and the Colonel's secretary stole away for some private time. She was a hot fraulein, and very sweet. Loved her pigtails. But none of of it was coerced. We both just had certain needs. The sexual weirdness, for me, began after I came home and got into video. Hell, that's what got me murdered in Arizona. Man, what I would have given to have a digital camera back then. So much more portable. In the POW camp, no, I mean, Schultz never asked me to wear women's panties on my head and stand on a stool. But Klink's secretary, well, she was adventurous, I guess you'd say..."
COL. KLINK: "I tell you, the American prisoners were complete pains in my backside, always escaping and trying to discover our secrets. And so smug! Always talking about baseball. Always baseball. Joe Dimaggio. Blah. What a boring American pasttime. I didn't understand them. Even so, there was never any thought to placing foreign objects into any orifices to 'soften them up' for the Gestappo. And, what's with the naked pyramids in the Iraqi prison? Who dreams up these things? We would order them to the cooler or cut their rations when they would escape or try to make those radios they were always tinkering with, but sexual antics? No, that wasn't in our portfolio. That's something I can say would never have occurred to me, to be quite honest. Mrs. Klink, not to mention General Burkhalter, would not stand for it. Perhaps there's a moral vacuum today that wasn't present during our war. It's difficult to say. Perhaps it's this MTV influence I keep hearing about..."
SCHULTZ: "I would whisper to Col. Hogan, 'Colonel, if you ever escape for good, -- please would you take me with you?' He would always have a chuckle at that. Hogan and the rest of them, they were not bad people but one didn't want to become too friendly with them. They would certainly not hesitate to take advantage of any opportunity they could to help the Allied cause. Col. Klink -- what an unhappy man -- was always on my ass, too, so I had to be concerned with both him on the one hand and Hogan and his "heroes," as they called themselves, on the other hand. Yes, yes, I raised my voice at the Americans many, many times, and sometimes lost my temper, I must admit, but I had no desire to humiliate them or take liberties. The Geneva Convention prohibited anything of that sort. From my point of view, it was best to know nothing and hear nothing. I said that many times. `I know nothing!' It became a bit of a catch phrase around the camp and the Americans would mimic me. I'm not sure why it gave them such joy, but it seemed to relieve the tedium. For the circumstances, I think both sides tried to get along."


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

the last show they shold have killed all the germans. even shultz and especially klink. that would be better than the friends last show. or frazier.

jay in austin

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Your pal,
Jeff Cohen, ESQ.

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